I know God hates divorce and some
would say God would never show me a sign like this for throwing
my would-be-husband out. However, it turns out that after forgiving
him
countless times for unfaithfulness during his drinking binges, this
last time, after discovering his girlfriend's new phone number, our cell phone bill and a bank statement proved he was not
only cheating for months but supporting her as well. Do you
have any clue how painful it is to be totally in love with and
committed to someone, only to find they've been cheating on you FOR
MONTHS? You get obsessed with remembering oddities in their behavior
and applying the new knowledge and fitting the pieces together...
(oh he must have been on his way to see her when that happened... etc.)
You stare at yourself in the mirror mercilessly criticizing
yourself, picking yourself apart, endlessly searching for flaws to
explain why he went to her. On your best days you talk yourself into
forgiving them as Christ would, even praying for their eternity in
heaven, only to imagine a glimpse of the two of them happy together
and falling back into hatred and hurt.
Now the biggest question is, do I
complete the divorce or just wait to become a widow, for by all
accounts he and his girlfriend appear to be trying to drink
themselves to death. Full-blown alcoholism truly is insanity. He couldn't drink with me, but that
Proverbs 5 woman was always there luring him with a bottle, and then
professed to be Christian! One time she even called and threatened
to turn him in for God-knows-what if he didn't obey her call!
This has happened to me before. A
man in recovery honestly tries to surround himself with non-addicts
hoping to stop killing himself, but then hates us because we don't
share in the struggle, and they imagine we're judging and coming
between them and their whiskey (or drugs). My soon-to-be-ex always
seemed much more ashamed that he drank than that he cheated on me. I
can handle the drinking, but not cheating. He never seemed to get
that.
I've been in prayer about
finalizing the divorce a
long time and God's answer has consistently been to show me the truth
about what he's been doing. Facts have been following me. I've truly
been led in discovering what's been going on these past months,
facts I didn't even want to know. It's as though God's answer is I
have a choice, I can stay married to him or not, but this is who
he is.
And believe it or not, if I want
to remarry, I'd stay married to him, because then the police would
notify me when I am, in fact, a widow. For the Bible says a divorced
woman is to remain single (but a widow often remarries.)
(Deep sigh). I think at this point
in my life I am ready to say, "Lord, take all of me." All those
passages that Paul wrote about it being better to serve the Lord
than each other (paraphrased), I think Paul is right. And since
September 20th, I am blown away at how close God has been to me. The
intensity of His love. After all, when's the last time someone died
for you? Why do I always hunger for second best when Christ is so
much more? If I really understood it, instead of hurting about my
soon-to-be-ex, I would be rejoicing. How does that Third Day song go again...
"Love Song"
"I've heard it said that a man
would climb a mountain just to be with the one he loves. How many
times has he broken that promise, it has never been done. Well I've
never climbed the highest mountain but I walked the hill of Calvary.
Just to be with you, I'd do anything, there's no price I would not
pay, just to be with you, I'd give anything, I would give My life
away.
I've heard it said that a man
would swim the ocean, just to be with the one he loves. How many
times has he broken that promise, it can never be done. Well I've
never swam the deepest ocean but I walked upon the raging sea.
I know that you don't understand
the fullness of My love. How I died upon the cross for your sins.
And I know that you don't realize how much that I gave you. But I
promise, I would do it all again.
Just to be with you, I've done
everything, there's no price I did not pay. Just to be with you, I
gave everything, Yes, I gave My life away."
(if you hunt around, you can
stream the song at
http://www.thirdday.com/tdmusic.htm )
Yep, God is good. He is definitely
with us, shepherding us through the storms and valleys. In these
lowest times of my life, I am amazed at how many ways He shows me He
is here. He speaks to each one of us uniquely, because He knows how
different we all are, and the best way to help us, to reveal
Himself, to tenderly comfort us. When you have God, you have
everything. Without Him... I just can't imagine why
anyone would refuse such a loving God. And I praise Him in this
storm.
Garden pictures
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