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I know God hates divorce and some would say God would never show me a sign like this for throwing my would-be-husband out. However, it turns out that after forgiving him countless times for unfaithfulness during his drinking binges, this last time, after discovering his girlfriend's new phone number, our cell phone bill and a bank statement proved he was not only cheating for months but supporting her as well. Do you have any clue how painful it is to be totally in love with and committed to someone, only to find they've been cheating on you FOR MONTHS? You get obsessed with remembering oddities in their behavior and applying the new knowledge and fitting the pieces together...    (oh he must have been on his way to see her when that happened...  etc.) You stare at yourself in the mirror mercilessly criticizing yourself, picking yourself apart, endlessly searching for flaws to explain why he went to her. On your best days you talk yourself into forgiving them as Christ would, even praying for their eternity in heaven, only to imagine a glimpse of the two of them happy together and falling back into hatred and hurt.

Now the biggest question is, do I complete the divorce or just wait to become a widow, for by all accounts he and his girlfriend appear to be trying to drink themselves to death. Full-blown alcoholism truly is insanity. He couldn't drink with me, but that Proverbs 5 woman was always there luring him with a bottle, and then professed to be Christian! One time she even called and threatened to turn him in for God-knows-what if he didn't obey her call!

This has happened to me before. A man in recovery honestly tries to surround himself with non-addicts hoping to stop killing himself, but then hates us because we don't share in the struggle, and they imagine we're judging and coming between them and their whiskey (or drugs). My soon-to-be-ex always seemed much more ashamed that he drank than that he cheated on me. I can handle the drinking, but not cheating. He never seemed to get that.

I've been in prayer about finalizing the divorce a long time and God's answer has consistently been to show me the truth about what he's been doing. Facts have been following me. I've truly been led in discovering what's been going on these past months, facts I didn't even want to know. It's as though God's answer is I have a choice, I can stay married to him or not, but this is who he is.

And believe it or not, if I want to remarry, I'd stay married to him, because then the police would notify me when I am, in fact, a widow. For the Bible says a divorced woman is to remain single (but a widow often remarries.)

(Deep sigh). I think at this point in my life I am ready to say, "Lord, take all of me." All those passages that Paul wrote about it being better to serve the Lord than each other (paraphrased), I think Paul is right. And since September 20th, I am blown away at how close God has been to me. The intensity of His love. After all, when's the last time someone died for you? Why do I always hunger for second best when Christ is so much more? If I really understood it, instead of hurting about my soon-to-be-ex, I would be rejoicing. How does that Third Day song go again...

"Love Song"

"I've heard it said that a man would climb a mountain just to be with the one he loves. How many times has he broken that promise, it has never been done. Well I've never climbed the highest mountain but I walked the hill of Calvary. Just to be with you, I'd do anything, there's no price I would not pay, just to be with you, I'd give anything, I would give My life away.

I've heard it said that a man would swim the ocean, just to be with the one he loves. How many times has he broken that promise, it can never be done. Well I've never swam the deepest ocean but I walked upon the raging sea.

I know that you don't understand the fullness of My love. How I died upon the cross for your sins. And I know that you don't realize how much that I gave you. But I promise, I would do it all again.

Just to be with you, I've done everything, there's no price I did not pay. Just to be with you, I gave everything, Yes, I gave My life away."

(if you hunt around, you can stream the song at http://www.thirdday.com/tdmusic.htm  )

Yep, God is good. He is definitely with us, shepherding us through the storms and valleys. In these lowest times of my life, I am amazed at how many ways He shows me He is here. He speaks to each one of us uniquely, because He knows how different we all are, and the best way to help us, to reveal Himself, to tenderly comfort us. When you have God, you have everything. Without Him...   I just can't imagine why anyone would refuse such a loving God. And I praise Him in this storm.

Garden pictures